ME

Now finally Im getting more into research a bit more about how to survive well with my sickness Multiple Sclerosis - MS.
First I never was so disturbed by it as never made a serious damage on my health.

Relatoonships

Catch 22 situation

It is so difficult to make choices especially when envolve love and future, please give me your opinion:
I guess you know, Im a woman from Brasilia, Brazil (the capital of Brazil), I have 42 years and looking for love and after all these years doesnt matter where will be from, lately Im envolved with a man from US, we talked for months online, he called me and it is ok but I want to know him personally, I told that to him and seems soon he will be here.

At the same time this Brazilian start to chat with me and already knew him from a year ago.

Both cool people, very good options for me.

Many things for me envolved on this decision:

- love (give and receive)

- happiness

- my personal future (me+me)

Ah and my personal habits, I dont drink much and just wine, I dont eat meat

For some people it is difficult to deal with it.

I prayed for God many times and I  guess he lived open for me taking my decisions and I thanks God for it.

When you start, I mean relationship, you need to be very conscious about what you want and you can give to the other.

To dont make illusions, Im a Lucky woman, I do remember when I have finnished my last relationship, it was a pain for 1 year, can I say that now is worse....be alone :(

The virtuality can make even worse, it is a new concept and in a few ways you never can be sure if it will work for us.

Love is an old concept but still something new until the fall, that sometimes happens. The felling of to be in love and desired is so good even when it is on virtuality. The vituarlity is moving our ideias about fellings that you feel: especially the concept: what is virtual?

What is  virtuality?
What do you think is?

- Gilles Deleuze used the term virtual to refer to an aspect of reality that is ideal -

 

Some people came to me with a interesting question:
Did you returned to Brazil just because your disease?

well I already wrote in this blog about my famility a long time ago, I guess;  I never had a wonderful relationship with my Family, after I returned to Brazil it became okish, but I´ve notice this problem is not just about me, many have problems with their families, but how to finish it?

It is maybe the wrong person to talk about it; I never married, never had kids,  have a disease that dont have cure, Im in love but you know love Always is difficult.

I dont have a big problem about my disease, the big thing for me Always was my balance, I still have it but not so much balance to walk for a long time I need to use a walker.

And of course it has something about my emotions.
Many people has ME in this planet, but honestly I got used to it, big deal for me and first thing when I get to know someone man or women is that I have ME.

Honestly it doesnt make me ugly or beautiful, it is just a disease and many people in this planet has worse things more than this simple disease.

The bad point about it; find Jobs. In general has a pre concept over people that has any disease, like me, but it is difficult to talk about it in Brazil, a country that Always had public selection for get a job position, so if you have any deficiency is a problem but still possible to have a job but it is dificult.

A little of my life when discovery my sickness ME



 How everything started

 Here I'm back my hometown Brasilia and it is not being so nice, I have this disease, Multiple Sclerosis, Im taking the injections that avoid you have attacks, but this the only good point to be back Brazil, I've trying to get work here and nothing, may be because I'm too specialized for Brazil, but I just tried in Brasilia, maybe I should go to bigger cities like Sao Paulo, but even there I'm not sure if I can find work. Brazil developed a bit, it is true, but still a lot of work to be done to step up to a second world country, for me still a third world country. Anyway with out work and a life here? I don't think I will stay longer here.
 Anyway, my purpose for this book, it is tell my story around the world; it’s a long story I lived for years in England, Netherlands and China, but I will tell everything. For me make sense start all from the last place I was living CHINA!! Shanghai and Changzhou China was a very interesting experience. Quite different from any culture I've ever imagine. And working teaching Interactive media for the Chinese guys was a great experience, I can say I would not go back to live there, but as a life experience was amazing, I've learned about the world and myself as person. I've lived in 2 towns there: Changzhou and Shanghai, my first 2 years I spent living in Changzhou, teaching there for the same school - Raffles Design Institute.
 Do they speak English? A little, they speak as much English as majority of the population in Brazil, almost nothing. Did you need to learn Mandarin? No, I've always had a translator with me in the classes. All my classes always were in English. But it was very interesting to see the interaction between me and the Chinese students, firstly they were coming to try to talk with me and of course I've answered in English and they look at me as they are understanding but NO! But if you look their faces you think they are, this something I've learned from them; they never never can be ashamed! Its a very bad bad posture in China, I've heard about it, in all Asia, but I just perceived it in China.
 Physical living conditions in Changzhou, first apartments I've lived there not very good, but after I situated myself there I found what is not too bad and cheap, it is cheap because Changzhou is a small town in China, but my view of small and big cities changed completely in China, Changzhou it is the same population and geographically size of Brasilia in Brazil, when I start to look the world around me and it is different. Life was not bad by this time, good apartment, good job ah I found a boyfriend, not Chinese, but French.
Many foreigners going to China to work, as you get paid well and live well and for men you can have all those Chinese girls surround you. In my first year in China I completely hated all those girls, for me they were going around the foreigners, almost attacking them to have something with them, aarggghhh!! I need to say that I never paid much attention to Chinese people, when I moved there has no scape! you need to pay attention on them. It was funny my first weeks there because I couldn’t see any difference between them, I couldn’t distingue them at all they look the same for me. And Im a woman, as anybody around the world, you can be alone for a while, but after a while we need to find a partner, someone to share life and in case Chinese men was not for me at all, but the foreigners were going to the Chinese girls aarrrgghh!!, understandable.
We are like animals, in a different ambient we get near others to survive, so the reason the foreigns got near Chinese women Then luckily I found this French guy Ronan, he is working for a Belgium company in Changzhou. We spent one year and a half together and it was a good relationship, I don't have complain about. I had a few serious relationships lets say 3 or 4 ones, and this one with Ronan was a very good one, almost no arguments, we are very similar kind of people. I can see after a few relationships that I'm stepping up in this aspect, has a evolution, you dont do the same mistakes and silly things that you did before, definitely a evolution and I can say that next relationship ( Ronan was the last one) will be better as I'm 42 years and all the time I'm learning better to deal with live, so.... Relationship, a man, a partner forever???
I sometimes miss it, but I ask myself. Does it exist? I'm still checking out... My problem is, I built up myself to be very independent, so after sometime specially after 30 years, you feel you need to settled down and stop somewhere alone??
Loneless is not nice now, it was a few years ago but now, I don't feel anymore in this way But anyway it is just life, lets come back to my story. I had a different experience with Ronan in Changzhou, may be just different for me; surprisingly one day going holiday with him to Hong Kong I found out I was pregnant. I never expected this in my life but I didn't think was a bad situation, I was with a good job, good boyfriend, why not have the baby? First thing that really scared me 'has a baby to live in China???!!!' Different culture etc... But I didn't have time enough to think about it, I had a miscarriage in the second month of this pregnancy and then I felt really bad, that is normal and my relationship with Ronan started to go down to the hole. I believe now I should start to talk about my holidays in Asia.
I didn't travel to all the countries in Asia just, Malaysia, Philippines and Thailand. You can check the pictures in my FLICKR website (www.flickr.com/photos/raquelrna), ah and in China I went to travel holiday in many towns, by anyway had some places I love completely like Philippines, because it in east side of the world, I have similarities with my home country Brazil, the nature, the beaches. Once I went there with Ronan, our relationship by this time wasn’t amazing, the trip was ok but not much more than this.
After I had the miscarriage of my baby and Ronan’s I got depressed and I didn’t know what to do about my life. It was the moment when I realize I didnt want to stay with Ronan anymore. I will explain you the reason and for me too. Before especially in the beginning of our relationship I was madly in love for him. But I could feel deep inside me he was not the man for I stay more years with him, and has my life was in the middle of something, it was the way I was feeling it and by this time, I decide to go to Australia to visit my brother, Australia is a very beautiful country I loved it, but it was there I found my disease. I was in the beach there, I was in the beach in Melborne and suddenly I want to get up for some reason and I did try and I couldn’t, some nice people came to help and I thought to go back home but some where in me was very painful and I went to the hospital. They gave me morphine and I collapsed and sleep for one day, after one day I grow up and stay in the hospital making exams to find out what I had and they found I have multiple sclerosis. Australia has many people with this disease so which was not a difficult diagnostic for the doctors and they suggested me to go back home and take care of it there. It was something that destroyed my feelings for my life. I had a good job and I was discovering many things about my life and me. I didn’t know how I could organize it in my mind Life can make fun jokes with you.
 My god come back to Brazil wasn’t the best thing for me at all. My relationship with my mom never was good and with my brother wasn’t too good (he wants to protect my mom all the time), my sister was the only one okish. Because all this, straight away when I arrived I got depressed and stay like this for a year. It is not because the disease it was because the relationship with my family mainly in the first year back to Brazil. Honestly I feel some badish things about the disease, but I can live with them no problem, the problem for me it was live with my family. Never was a drama about this disease, the problem is touch your emotional side a lot because CHANGE your life completely But I will tell you where this strength to go around the world started. I always was aware that has a planet in this immense universe, and I always thought to explore this planet, the civilizations and cultures around me. But I always loved to study, and the Internet 20 years ago was the big boom for us. And I was at the university doing my degree course Fine Arts and I found a project of the MA in Arts and a vacancy to be research student there.
Then I found that I needed to study a lot about a subject Art and Technologie, this was the first step and you find something you like, it goes forward, it was amazing for me that I found that I like to investigate of course what is interesting for me. And I went thought this way until now, but the big journey was outside Brazil, it started when I decided to study out of Brazil, never I found amazing the education in Brazil, I went to England to do my MA in Media and Arts. Actually it was funny because I just wanted to study outside and it didn’t matter the subject, need to be something related to arts because my degree course is Fine Arts, so Media and Arts, that is basically the new medias, funny the Internet now it isnt a new media anymore. I was so scared go to England to study a subject, but it was the greatest experience I had in my life by this time, year 2000. Some ways changed completely my life, I knew a guy (Jeff) I met online though a software ICQ and got on very well and he offered me to stay at this apartment when I arrive to England, I couldn’t refuse, I accepted. The only thing my mom told me when I was at the airport to fly to England was ”you will return in 3 months time, very supportive”!!!! Aren’t her? I arrived to England and it was different for me, but I made plans and all were sorted, Jeff was at Heathrow waiting me, it wax another thing crazy in this Internet time, I saw pictures of him and he saw pictures of me, but the reality definitely is another thing. My English was very poor, I taught myself English but always is different when you talk with a native from their home countries.
As I said he offers to share his apartment with me and I had a bedroom just for me. I was so happy first time in my life I have a sense of independence, but I need to start to investigate things like were the university, which bus I need to take to go there, where was it. I was a very lucky woman, I made a search online look for a job and found one in a small company in Southampton to have money to survive well in England and straight away when I arrived in England: I had a job, a boyfriend and a MA course to do, I remember every night there I was sleeping so happy with my happiness there! It was actually what I was dream in my life, an adventure, and I got it. Next step explore the country, the world around there. I already said to you, I love music, and ever specially music from England, it was my way to learn English to understand better the meaning of the their music. It was funny just before I traveled a friend showed me a band from there that she enjoyed very much and I never heard before, I was a hardcore girl by this time 1997, the band called DEPECHE MODE and I enjoyed Jeff’s one of his favorite. I started the classes in the university, my god! What a massive difference from the Brazilian ones. I never will forget the day when I ask my coordinate who else should oriented me, books I should read etc. He just answered me “ You should look by yourself what is necessarily for your research.” This was a shock for me, actually the British way to learn was a shock, I spent some days shocked after a while I stand up and thought “ you are in a new country to study, you must adapted to it.” And I did adapted to England, I learned a lot in England; the difference of the taught way to make you learn about the subjects, the way to teach, Im glad I had a okish education in Brazil, if I had a bad one I never could finish my MA in Media and Arts.
 England was for me a taught education in all ways every day, actually life is a taught education every day. I never thought so clear in this way because I was living in Brazil, protected from all things, but when you live outside you must face all bad and good things, it is why I found Jeff as boyfriend, love; to show me how England works in all aspects. I didn’t stay so long with Jeff, it something like 2 years, maximum 2 years and a half. Never I will say anything bad about this relationship, as any relationship taught you good things and bad things, in the end you need to learn how to live with both things, good and bad things. Now I want to tell a part that was a big adventure in UK, do strip-tease there, it is a experience that is not many people that knows, I didn’t tell many people but for me was a great adventure get to know this other side of society. It is so fun to remember it, of course I met all the girls that were dancing with me But it was so fun; get to know a new world in the same world. Beginning- I’ve realized that physically I was successful with the British men, so I thought, ”why not make money with it” as my mother couldn’t help me much and tell her and everybody that im working in a pub. Strippers all the time was seeing as easy work, just need to be beautiful and not ashamed to be naked in front of people, specially men. And never was, I always has been very curious to make people react and see how are their reactions. I need to say that I went work in different cities in UK and I don’t want to work in the city where I was living Southampton It was a glamour life as soon as I walked in the club. I started to deal with it quite ok because I started to met the work people of the club and I think much of this attitude come out from your attitude toward others.
 I don’t have problems with people in general, so I never had problems at all and always got very good money, it could make my survive in UK, I can say that was a new way to see my life and it wasn’t bad. Was I happy? Not really But I know life it is not static, can move on and on, and I was waiting for this movement. And one day I met the most handsome man I saw in my life in Southampton when I was having a drink with Kat in a pub and start to flirt to him and he started to flirt to me, it was a magic moment, life experience abroad.
And strangely we start to have a strange connection between us. Later on he told me he was there in the pub just because the ship stopped there for two days. And I start to get completely curious about his life, and he asked me if I want to go the ship with him and I said yes. I felt I was meeting another style of life completely different of my life. And I was madly in love for him specially because in Brazil I never had a handsome man as boyfriend. I found out he was a maritime engineer and his work was England normally going to Singapore and back to England. But deep inside me I didn’t want to go back to Brazil, he didn’t know it and ask me to go to Netherlands to live with him, you know this sort of man that is sorted in life, good job, house and just need a wife to make a family, and I was his choice. I felt inside my heart was confuse about my future, if I would like to marry and have kids. This stage of my life made me stop to think what I want to do? Just after this stage: funny story, I went to Australia visit my brother that was living there and I end up in a hospital diagnostic with multiple sclerosis (ME). I just to told my self: It is life. And stayed in the hospital for 2 weeks, the doctors making exams etc And I was completely down, didn’t know what to do with my life, honestly I still don’t know what to do ;) It is very strange live without objective, isn’t it?
 I know because I’m spirit, has a meaning for all of us be here, isn’t a person, but feeling, LOVE. I though many times, that is between men and women, but no, it isn’t it is forward. Talk about nowasdays, I got retired because my disease, I stay all day at home, reading, writing this book, try to feel up my time and online. Internet is something tricky, you can see more and more that is a construction of new world, a virtual word, and we are just in the beginning of this virtual word as any world has the good sides and bad side . If tell you a bunch of scammers I got in touch, men or women want to take money of the users of many websites, it is so difficult to have a change to see, feel what is real or not. I can see it as evolution of the human being. Please I can say thank you if you make comments about, you can make here or write me a email raquelnolasco@gmail.com .

Life continuos ever :)

Hello Im getting so down and frustrated about the virtual world is invading with scammers maybe from Ghana (as I already had one on my feet) Russia, Nigeria as I had one now on my feet and has a new other places they are get together to attacked women they are need for some tender and love like me. Again I was devastated it is becoming a normal thing, needs to be real for I believe in love? Seems like in this step we are now, seems yes by God I met 2 of my ex boyfriends online and by the time I could be secure about their vicissitude but now more the internet develop more you need to be aware about these crimes online and of course these scammers. I question myself about things that are real or not?

New man - is he real??????

I need to share this moment with, Friday ( today is Wednesday ) will come to Brazil a men I met online. He is from US but at the moment he is in London he was working there, he is divorced and has one daughter, and we met in a dating website and I know Im a nightmare with this dating website, he suggested that he could come to Brazil and I said why not? come, he is coming!!! My sister made a scene, he is a scammer, bla bla bla He sent me a copy of his flight tickets, all show he is not but as my sister I still doubter, lets see Friday. He looks like madly in love for me, ok I already told you I need a boyfriend and in Brazil is very difficult to find a man to have a relantioship with me. And lo9ks like I can have one for me with him but lets wait to see, after all these scammers attacking me to get money Im traumatized with man I meet online on the Internet. He doesnt look bad, looks foreign, I dont mind about it honestly I prefer :) I will write more after I met him if he will come it is not a scammer. See you later :)

I still in Earth and life carry on :)

Hello all How is going ;ofe? Has a while that I dont post here, life always move if you live in Earth :) I will tell you the news(br) I got retired because my illness MS Multiple Sclerosis. Im ok but definitely got worse doesnt suprise me as it is a degenerative illness, but I still doing my things live. Today Im depressed because I dont have more pills for depression and the doctor told that you get depressed because MS, I dont have idea she told me.(br) Lately surprise me Im quite happy I believe the medicine for depression helps but another things that are going on my life also helps. I born catholic, but lately because my sister is Spiritualist I became, and my god, it made a difference for me, my outlook of the world change, made a transformation on me not a massive transformation, but good enough to make me happy :)(br) Many things I would like to have now in my life didnt happened like I find a love, but I learned with the Spiritualism to look into yourself in a different way. My relationship with my mom became much better with my family my sister and brother.(br) I learned that life has a cycle and you are in this cycle and you cant do anything to change, actually you can but wont change, so Im try to do my best to dont try to change this cycle and be unhappy.(br) I will carry on write now I will not take a long time, very soon I write more.(br) Kisses(br) Bye